


A New Life

by louvreangel



Category: The Flash (TV 2014), The Flash - All Media Types
Genre: Confrontations, Crying, Cryokinesis, F/M, Feelings, Ice Powers, Killer Frost Transformation, Leaving Home, Murder, Psychological Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 21:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8506753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louvreangel/pseuds/louvreangel
Summary: She had been alone all along. No one asked her whether or not she was effected. No one asked her what she felt about all of this. Because they were soft-hearted people, they instantly forgave Barry for what he had done. And because of what he had done, she now had platinum blonde hair, ice-blue eyes and a power to turn everything into ice in milliseconds.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing but this fanfiction. All characters belong to their respectful owners.
> 
> Warning: Depressing feelings, dilemmas and a decision to leave home. Read at your own risk.

_She was scared._

She was scared of what she was becoming. She was scared of looking into the mirror, seeing someone whom she couldn’t recognise. She was scared of telling her friends about her new powers because whenever she used them, her powers would take over her and she would become someone else. She was angrier, she was colder, she was more distant... This ability of hers wasn’t something she had asked for, it was something she herited because Barry went back in time and created an alternate timeline.

As she closed her eyes and drank her cup of tea, in front of the TV, she tried not to think further into this whole situation. She just wanted to sit there and relax and forget that just a few days ago, she tried to kill a man in her mother’s lab. Suddenly she had no control over her body and it was her mother’s voice that brought her back to reality. When she saw the man lying on the floor, with his whole arm covered in ice, her mom’s echoed in her mind; I didn’t raise you to become a killer.

It was true. She couldn’t even kill a bug without feeling guilty. It was her nature, she was a good person. She wasn’t one to hold grudges, or be hateful all the time. She was thoughtful, gentle, gracious... Overall she was a sweet, beautiful girl, inside and out.

Then why did she feel like her innocence was being taken away from her? Everytime she used those powers, she felt something within her change. She didn’t know what it was, but every morning when she saw Barry, her blood would start boiling. Part of her blamed him for everything, for these powers. Part of her could empathize with his reasons for going back in time to save his parents. But she also knew what he did was a very selfish act on his behalf. He must have only thought of himself, otherwise he wouldn’t have done what he had done.

She didn’t notice that she turned the cup in her hand into ice. When she put it on the coffee table, her eyes opened wide with surprise. Her mother had told her not to use her powers unless necessary and she was doing the exact opposite—without even realising it. Anger was a trigger to her powers, she understood. The angrier she got, the more her powers surfaced.

With an angry sigh she stood up from the sofa and went to the bathroom. She just needed to go to bed and relax, a good night’s sleep would fix everything.

But then she saw her reflection in the mirror and started trembling. Another part of her hair was white again and her lips were as pale as they could ever get. She bit her lip, trying to get some blood circulation there but the only thing she caused was to make it bleed. She took the scissors and cut the part that was platinum blonde just like the last time she did. It wasn’t a logical solution, she knew that but going to a hairdresser and get it done would take her time. She didn’t have that much time. She could also tell everyone that it was a fashion thing she was doing, some part of your hair being blonde was the new black. Would her friends buy that? She didn’t know. She cut the part off anyways.

She made herself a promise not to use those powers again as she lay down on her bed.

* * *

 

After a week of not using her powers, she was finally convinced that she could live like her old self. No powers,  no worries. She was feeling better, less angry and more energetic. She was helping the team with her wit like always and everything was going back to normal.

Until that one day a thief decided to break into her apartment. _Her apartment_ out of all people in Central City, he had to go and break into _hers_. What were the chances?

She heard someone coming into her bedroom, the guy was apparently moving as slowly as he could. Yet somehow Caitlin managed to sense him approaching and opened her eyes. For a moment their eyes locked and then he jumped at her, with a piece of clothing in his hand. He was trying to cover her mouth with the cloth, she was struggling with all her might.

She had promised herself she wouldn’t use her powers but at that moment, it wasn’t under her control anymore. Her instincts of survival kicked in and cold air started coming out of her hands. The guy suddenly stopped what he was doing and she noticed that half of his upper body had turned into ice. She wanted to stop, it was enough for him. He was frozen on his spot literally and she didn’t really want to kill him. But then a thought hit her; what was she going to do now? She could call the police for help but then they would find him covered in ice and ask what the hell happened. She could freeze him all the way and kill him but then she would become a... _killer_.

No. She wasn’t going to become like her evil doppelganger.

_She wasn’t going to become Killer Frost._

But there was no one who could help her with this. She withdrew her hand from the man’s arm and waited for his arm to take its old shape. Maybe the ice would melt, maybe because she stopped what she was doing, it would go back to being okay.

It didn’t. The man couldn’t move an inch but his eyes were moving. A few tears dropped from his left eye and Caitlin turned her head away not to see him cry. This wasn’t her intention. She just wanted to protect herself.

She had to make a decision and she had to do it fast.

Then she did the only thing she could do...

* * *

She didn’t want to face herself in the mirror so she avoided looking at it as much as possible. _She had killed a man_. She had killed a man and she couldn’t believe she had done that. His whole body turned into ice, frozen inside and out. Then she—at that point she was crying vehemently—threw his now icy body out of her bedroom window. Obviously it wasn't the brightest idea of them all but it was better than putting his frozen body into her closet. It was a rash decision, the only out she saw was the window. It had been very difficult to carry him too because he was heavy and halfway to the window, she broke the man’s arm. She looked at the arm in her hand, all frozen.

Then she blacked out.

When she managed to throw him out the window, using all her strength with all her might, she did her best not to look at his now-turned-to-pieces body on the ground. But she heard a sound like shattering glass and her curiousity won. It caused her to vomit when she saw the man—or his pieces—on the ground. She couldn’t tell anyone about this. She just couldn’t. She was at least grateful that no one would really go looking for a thief.

But he was a person too. He must have had someone in his life, anyone—mother, sister, lover... Someone would eventually look for him and he was unfortunately... not coming back. At all. All that was left of him were pieces of ice.

And _she_ was the reason behind it.

* * *

Next morning she absolutely felt like hell and refused to go to S.T.A.R. Labs. Barry and Cisco called her a few times, as she didn’t call anyone to let them know she wasn’t coming. She skipped breakfast and went to take a hot shower. Then she—accidently—saw her reflection in the mirror and took a step back from the mirror.

Her eyes were now ice-blue and half of her hair was platinum blonde. She looked pale.

She had no return from this, she knew that. She also knew that eventually the CSI would find the body in the back alley of her house, ice cubes were everywhere and they were not melting at all.  The Flash and his team would go after this case, for it would be very intruiging to them. They all had met Killer Frost, they would probably suspect her at first, then wonder how she managed to come to their earth.

At one point, everyone was going to figure out that the person behind this crime was Caitlin Snow—a brilliant scientist, The Flash’s teammate.

She had to leave. She had to go immediately. If she stayed, she would get caught. If she stayed, her friends would hate her for this. Staying was risky. She wasn’t brave enough to take that risk.

* * *

She packed all her stuff in an inhuman speed, panic taking over her every passing second.

A few more things she needed to take and then she’d be done. When she heard her door bell ring though, her hands stopped immediately. It was a little past afternoon, who could be on her door step at this hour?

It could have been the police so she tiptoed her way to the door. When she looked through the hole, she saw it was Barry and cursed under her breath.

“Cait?” his voice came from outside the door. “I was worried about you, are you okay? Can I come in?”

There was no way she would open that door. Absolutely _no way_.

She made no noise but a voice in her head told her that eventually she would have to face him. Her plan of silently living Central City was in ashes now.

Then the doorknob started turning and her eyes opened wide; Barry was using his speed to enter the house. She stood where she was, suddenly all parts of her body refused to move one single inch. “I’m coming in!” his gentle voice came before him as he entered and stood right in front of her. Their eyes locked, both of them surprised. Caitlin knew she looked like a mess, especially with half of her hair blonde and her eyes an unnatural blue.

“What—what happened to you?” came his voice in a whisper. Barry felt like he was standing in front of Killer Frost, rather than Caitlin. The person he was facing was someone entirely else.

Caitlin shook her head, tears threathening to leave her eyes. “Don’t step any closer, Barry,” she warned him.

“What’s going on? I thought you said you were ill,” he was very confused and his confusion wasn’t dissolving with the way she acted towards him.

“I—I can’t... It’s not something I can explain,” she responded, her voice quavering with fear.  “This is... what I’ve become,” she said and created an icicle in her hand in a motion. Barry’s face was full of shock, no other emotion was showing. He thought for a second that this woman wasn’t actually Caitlin. It was Killer Frost in Caitlin’s house. It had to be.

But she still had innocence in her eyes and fear in her voice. This was Caitlin. And she had powers.

“I thought... I thought you hadn’t been effected by the Flashpoint,” he said, confusion was evident in his voice.

That somehow triggered Caitlin and she found herself staring at Barry, feeling her blood boiling inside her. “Well, we have all been effected by your selfish decision, now, haven’t we?”

Barry frowned, he wasn’t expecting that kind of a reaction from Caitlin. “I am sorry, I—if I had known—”

Caitlin cut him off impatiently before he could continue. “What would you do if you had known? Go back in time and erase Flashpoint? Undo everything you’ve caused? What exactly would you do just so I wouldn’t have these powers, Barry?”

Yes, this was definitely _not_ Caitlin.

“Cait, please, hear me out. It’s okay if you have these powers now, we can find a way together. You can learn to control them and help me out there in the streets. You’re not alone,” he was trying to reason with her because he could see that she was very angry. He hoped she would let him in.

Caitlin stopped for a few seconds to process what he said. He wasn’t judging her or pushing her away. Together they could do greater things for the city. She could save lives and be more than what she was currently.

But the thing was, she had been alone all along. No one asked her whether or not she was effected. No one asked her what she felt about all of this. Because they were soft-hearted people, they instantly forgave Barry for what he had done. And because of what he had done, she now had platinum blonde hair, ice-blue eyes and a power to turn everything into ice in milliseconds. Everyday in the bathroom a stranger was looking at her through the mirror. She wanted her old, normal life back and she knew she would never get that.

So when she stared into his hazel eyes, thinking how she used to look into those eyes with admiration, she felt something in her shatter. They couldn’t find a way. Her condition was a dead end.

“I am sorry Barry. I am leaving. Please respect that and... go.”

Barry couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He wanted to shake her by the shoulders and tell her she was doing the wrong thing. How could she leave everyone and everything behind and go? This wasn’t Caitlin talking; this was her powers talking.

“Caitlin—”

“No, Barry. I don’t want to hear anything anymore. I can’t live here and work in S.T.A.R. Labs anymore, I am sorry but I can’t take it anymore.”

“This isn’t you,” Barry said and took a small step towards her. “Caitlin, this _isn’t_ who you are. We are friends, remember? Let me help you, please,” he pleaded and took another step towards her, his hands now facing the sky.

She shook her head, even though there was a fight going on in her. A part of her wanted to go to S.T.A.R. Labs with him and tell everyone about her condition, but another part of her was screaming at her that she had killed a man just yesterday. How could she ever live with that? How could she ever tell that to her friends and expect them to forgive her? Everything suddenly seemed so miserable to her. There was no way out for her, no way out...

“This _is_ who I am now, Barry. There’s nothing you can help me with. Please go and _leave me alone_ ,” Caitlin told him with a flat, cold voice.

She was going and nobody was going to be able to stop her. Not even Barry—the guy whom she had feelings for, despite never admitting it to herself. It was a tough decision for her. Leaving Star Labs, Central City, all her friends... But this was her final decision. As long as she stayed in Central City, she wouldn’t get past all that’s been happening to her for the past few weeks. She needed a fresh start, a fresh life. Somewhere were she could continue with a clean state, as somebody else. Yes, she had to change her identity too. Nobody would believe her if she told them she was Caitlin Snow anyway. Of course she could find an explaination, an excuse for the hair and the eyes but... she was almost unrecognisable and this style of hers wasn’t really the best to fit in as a scientist. She looked... almost as pale as a dead person, it looked like she had a very serious illness. This was a new Caitlin, a Caitlin whom she couldn’t recognise. So starting fresh was a better idea than to stay here.

Leaving her friends—a help she could get from them—sounded ridicilous, she knew that. But everytime she tried to change her mind into staying in Central City, the dead guy’s body—now looking like shattered glass—would come in front of her eyes. That was a traumatic experience she wanted to forget so badly. Maybe a change of scene, a change of identity would help delete that memory from her mind. And then maybe, _maybe_ she could continue with a clean conscious... At least that was what she hoped for.

As she looked at Barry’s defeated face, she knew he had given up. He walked towards the door, ready to leave. His hand stayed on the doorknob a little longer than necessarry. Caitlin folded her arms around her chest, impatiently waiting for him to leave.

Then he opened the door and turned to face her one more time. “For whatever it’s worth... I hope you’ll be very happy and know that your secret is safe with me. I won’t tell the team anything about your powers.”

Caitlin’s eyes watered up and she found herself on the verge of crying. “It’s worth a lot. Thank you so much Barry.” There went all her pride and all her logical senses as she took three big steps towards him and hugged him like there was no tomorrow. She was so scared. So scared and in need of comfort. But she was leaving and never coming back again. This was goodbye. Maybe they would keep in touch but... that wasn’t really a choice at the moment.

Barry’s arms wrapped themselves around her tiny body and they hugged for three minutes straight, none of them saying anything. It was Caitlin who finally withdrew from the hug, with tears on her cheeks. Barry was about to wipe her tears away when he saw they were forming as small drops of ice on her cheeks. He blinked a few times, looking at her face with an expression Caitlin couldn’t understand. Then he nodded at her and left her apartment with his speed.

Now it was time to finish packing and go, Caitlin thought, as she kept crying. Then she noticed her tears were freezing on her face. She got so angry at that, knowing that she wasn’t going to be able to cry much after all and threw a vase at the wall, taking her anger out of it. She _had to_ go before her anger turned the whole apartment into ice, . She had to leave _immediately_.

Before going out from her apartment door, she turned around for the last time and saw the place didn’t look like someone was leaving for good. It looked like it was being vacated for a short while.

With a broken heart and with fear of facing her new life, she locked the door to her apartment and left the building.

She hoped she could come back someday. _Maybe one day..._


End file.
